My First Twitchathon

A short article I submitted to the Birds Queensland newsletter covering my first Twitchathon. “But, Chelsea, is a Twitchathon just you spending an absurdly long time watching Zoomers play games on Twitch?” I hear you asking. God, no. It has nothing to do with the live-streaming platform bur rather it’s more like real-life Pokemon Go! but for bird nerds. Just read the damn article.

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4:43 a.m. Sunday morning. I’m jolted awake by the crazed cackle of Laughing Kookaburras carrying on like a gaggle of divorcees who’ve had three too many martinis at a comedy show.

 Two minutes later, my alarm clock croons. It’s time.

 Today, I’m off on my first ever Twitchathon of the eco variety––a 12-hour birding extravaganza with the objective of spotting as many birds as possible traveling only by foot, bicycle or public transportation, all to raise money to support research and conservation of Queensland’s birds.

 I rendezvous with The Puffin Ducks team members, Judith and Esther, at Lindum train station. I’ve never met them but take my chances that the ladies with binocular necklaces huddled around the car boot aren’t members of a splinter Twitchathon group.

 Pleasantries are made. The twitch starts at 6 a.m. sharp. Bins are poised, miniature notepads are drawn. An immediate shotgun of sightings from J and E: Pied Butcherbird, Blue-faced Honeyeater, Australian Magpie. I clumsily unfurl my bulky binoculars and in a nervous fog start recording bird sightings in Sharpie on the back of a folded A4 paper, the initial twitch panic severely clouding my judgment of writing implement. (Eventually, I settle enough to find my pen.)

 With steely determination we march down Sibley Road toward wetlands. “Did you hear that Striated Pardalote?” asks Esther. No, I did not, but Judith did and according to the Twitchathon commandments if at least two members of the group hear or see a bird then it counts. S.P., tick.

 The first many birds spotted seem quite ordinary to me, the virgin birder, but cause a contagious flutter of excitement within the group. Mangrove Gerygone. Leaden Flycatcher. Rufous Whistler. Tick, tick, tick.

 We forge from wetlands to abandoned chicken factories and I see many more magnificent firsts: Royal Spoonbill, Double-barred Finches, Sacred Kingfisher, Brahminy Kite, Mistletoebird. Tick, tick, tick, my bird brain is on the verge of exploding.

 Esther and Judith rattle off distinctive features of each bird spotted. As I scramble to commit this information to memory it dawns on me that these innocent looking ladies are birdwatching weapons, ornithological ninjas.

 We head toward Sandy Camp; a wetland J and E appear to know intimately. We spot many beautiful birds in the ugly perimeter of a power plant, from Black-faced Cuckooshrikes to Red-backed Fairywrens. It’s as if their binoculars contain bird magnets; wherever they point them feathered friends appear. Comb-headed Jacanas, Oriental Dollarbird, Wandering Whistling Ducks, plus many more ticks amongst the marshy innards. We still hear (but don’t see) that damned Striated Pardalote.

 The Puffin Ducks decide to swerve our final destination at Wynnum and call it quits around 3:30 p.m. I am puffed. As we sit to tally our twitches, Esther pulls one last act of avian shrewdness. “Look, an Eastern Osprey.” I can’t see it… until I do. Through magnified circles I see this beast of a bird land on its nest towering heavenly above the ground. Fish-eating bird of prey, tick.

 

 

 

An Open Letter to the Jar of Pickles in the Back of My Fridge

Look at yourself. Back there on the bottom shelf. Dusted with crumbs, sticky with god-knows-what like a high schooler at a prom afterparty.

 You know what, get out. Seriously, no, I’m done. Time to unplug your vinegar life support. One, two, three. There we go. All better now. And as I lay you to rest in your trash can grave with last night’s floss and this morning’s coffee grounds, I think about the high hopes I had for you.

 I was going to put you on burgers. I was going to stand in the spotlight of the fridge and eat you straight from the jar. I was going to slice you into little pieces and put you in an ornate bowl next to a bold but approachable brie at my dinner party.

 But when it came to game time, you shrivelled. Pun intended. I sent you into battle and you came back with your dill between your legs.

 My friends ignored you in favour of rosemary almonds and cashews. An American hero, passed over…for nuts. What about the burger, I asked, put the pickles on the burger! Holster your pickle propaganda, my friends screamed at me as they backed away, quivering, hands blindly grasping for the door handle.

 You once sat regal on the fridge door but soon were overwhelmed by the vicissitudes of taste, shunted to the lowest and darkest corners to make room for that organic mango chutney purchased from Dan and Helen at the farmer’s market in Vermont and those blood orange and tahini non-cookie cookies featured in the latest Bon Appétit.  Another pickle jar falls victim to fridge gentrification.

 At one point I wanted you. I must’ve. In an aisle full of bread and butter, bold and spicy, sweet, sliced, speared, chipped, gherkin-ed, I saw you, branded with your consumer-approved stork like a prized steer at a county fair and thought, yeah, this time I’ll go for it.

 Now, as I commence the final act, the ceremonial tipping the brine down the sink, I ask myself, did I ever really like you? As your dill slips into the drain as easily as the sands of time I wonder, will this do long-term damage to my plumbing?

Six Word Story

You’re now entering The Mental State.

Six Word Story

‘“Don’t stir shit,” he said, stirring.

Six Word Story

Unfortunately, you’ll live, said the doctor.

Six Word Story

You’ve unsubscribed but you can’t leave.

Six Word Story

Undelivered: I’m pregnant. It’s yours. Probably.

Six Word Story

Pinocchio couldn’t stop lying to himself.

Striking Notes: Waxahatchee - Saint Cloud

If COVID-19 had a soundtrack it’d be the the Microsoft Teams ring tone and the sound of my muffled crying in the bathroom.

So if you’ve been desperately looking toward the audio kitchen, waiting for your waiter to come out with an ear entrée, then wait no longer dear musical gourmand, your meal has arrived.

Waxahatchee’s new album, St. Cloud, soothes your ears, soul and isolated mind. It’s simple, striking chords are the antidote the devilish dinging of your e-mails.

Listen here.

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